I asked Alan almost daily, "Are you sure this is what
you want to do?" I had to make certain that the choice
was his and that he wasn't doing this for me. And he
would always say, "Yes, this is what I want to do."
Finally, one day he looked at me and said, "I've made
up my mind. This is what I am going to do. Please,
don't ask anymore." I never asked him again.
On the afternoon that Alan set the final date, he was
crying. He said, "I'm feeling a little sad."
Every step of the way there was a great deal of
integration-- for Alan to make his decision and for
me to be a conscious advocate who had the inner
strength to move forward with it. If it weren't for our
partnership, nothing would have happened. Alan
would be in a facility today and probably still alive.
That's why advocacy is so important.
Alan: Knowing I will die soon is okay. I have no idea
why I am so accepting now. It just is. I wasn't always
this way.
I don't think I am sad because I'm sick. My tears are
because I am grateful.
I'm not afraid of dying. I've lived a good life. I want
everyone to know about VSED
I know that I am going to die soon. There is no fear. In
fact, I am kind of looking forward to it. I'm very curious.
I'm sure there are other planes of existence. I'm curious
as to what they are, how they are.
This may be the best time of my life. I have no worries.
I have nothing that I have to do. I have no practical
concerns. I'm not trying to accomplish anything. I have
no cares. All this brings me peace.
I'm losing my brain to Alzheimer's and I realize that I'm
okay, just the way I am. I know inner peace that I've
never had before. I've learned to accept myself for
what I am and not for what I'm supposed to do.
Meditation has helped me not get caught up in the
insanity that surrounds us. I think that anyone on a
spiritual path has a tiny bit of the truth and is trying to
figure it out. But the truth is huge and no one can grasp
it. Everyone experiences their own truth.
72 | ART OF DYING
As what I can do with my mind decreases, there is less
and less stuff that is important to me. Only love and
appreciation matter now.
I am comfortable and at ease with everything. I just feel
great all the time, even when I am tired. I am present all
the time. I am happy all the time. I didn't feel this way
most of my life. I'd love to help people reduce their
suffering. I don't know how to do that. People notice
how happy I look. I think that's important because I'm
really at the end of this life. I'm sure it goes on. I was
burdened by all the things that I thought I should be
doing. And I'm not anymore. I'm not sure how to share
this with other people. Phyllis, it’s up to you to do that.
P: This was Alan's evolution in consciousness. The
peace he was feeling is not typical of Alzheimer's.
There was an interweaving of two strands of living–
one strand of beingness, consciousness, awareness;
and the strand of Alzheimer's. They did overlap and
weave together, but Alan's peace was not occurring
because of Alzheimer's.
“
As a result
of being
witness to and
partnering with
Alan’s death,
I feel a deep
peacefulness
surrounding
my own death.
That is the most
beautiful part of
his l egacy to me.
PHYLLIS SHACTER