Observations
ELLEN FEIN
Death doesn’t
generalize.
Every death
experience is
different.
I identified myself as a cultural Jew, but I never
believed in God or anything religious. But when
Michael was sick, something awakened within me.
I felt a sureness that things would work out the way
they were supposed to. I had this very strong image
that I was going to lean back into the clouds of the
universe and they were going to catch me. And I was
going to be held. Where did that image come from? I
have no idea.
People offered unexpected support. Some were
beloved friends, but many were people we didn’t
know. People just showed up and knew the right
things to do. My new appreciation of community and
my awakened spirituality changed me forever.
46 | ART OF DYING
“
After an eight month journey with cancer, the death
of my husband Michael at forty-nine along with my
own experience with leukemia inspired my deep
relationship with death and dying. Death wasn’t active
in my awareness before these two events.
Michael clearly considered his cancer diagnosis as
an assignment, a job; and his job was to live well. It
became easy to choose what mattered; to give up the
garbage, both between us and in our relationships
with others. All the irritating patterns of behavior in
our relationship were gone, just gone. When he went
into hospice, Michael shared his heartbreak about not
watching our daughter grow up. There wasn’t much
conversation about where he was going or what was
next for him. I felt very strongly that I was helping him
to leave, that I was his guide.