Every person is completely different in the way they
approach death. We are like snowflakes. We can't
come up with a cookie cutter "this is the way to sit
with the dying" because everybody is different,
everybody's needs are different. The ability to be
able to move and change and ride with them is
really a skill beyond judgment, without opinion.
It's being able to feel it all, to take it all in, and just
be present.
The universal theme is the difficulty, the profound
difficulty, in accepting that you're going to say
goodbye to everything that you've invested
everything in. And to not knowing and being
profoundly okay with not knowing. This is very
painful to accept unless you have worked at it
almost daily throughout your life.
What you thought you were or had dies in the
process of the physical body dying—everything.
This includes all of the notions, all of the beliefs, all
of the opinions about what death is— everything
that seemed important or meaningful in any way
dissolves. But the ensuing freedom and profound
ability to stand in the ‘Wow of Existence’ is
completely beyond anything we’ve ever imagined.
Rather than becoming a master of dying, I'm left with
a sense of "I have died" in the process of exploring
this. Limiting definitions of the world have died. It
was a bit wobbly for quite a while, but now I've gotten
used to being in this state, and it's delicious. The Art
of Dying is a complete and profound acceptance
of anything and everything. What if I end up on
life support for a year? What if I could profoundly
accept that too, and lay there with a feeling of arms
outstretched, heart wide open, machine breathing for
me? I've reached a point where I can. It's fascinating.
I never thought I would get there.
Our dying process is fascinating. We enter what is
called liminal space, that space between worlds, that
space between states of being,. We have not quite
let go of our familiar state and we are not quite in
the next. The boundaries of reality start to bend and
dissolve, and the caregiver who's sitting with that
liminal space, unbeknownst to them, is profoundly
affected. No matter how strong their own thoughts
and opinions, they are being affected. They can't
help but be.
I feel like I’m the living dead. I think this is what
was meant in the Bible when it says we can have
heaven on earth, "Thy will be done on earth as it is
in heaven." This is how ‘it’ is done in heaven, this
feeling of complete and utter acceptance and love
for everything no matter what. That’s heaven. We
have to do that on earth now. And the only way to
do that is to breathe into this awareness while we're
still here. Most people spend their whole life asleep,
and then they wake up a few days before they're
about to die. Death’s core inspiration is the spiritual
work of letting go of everything now, before our
dying process.
REV. OLIVIA BAREHAM is
a certified Death Midwife, Home Funeral
Guide, and Celebrant. She holds degrees in
Education and Natural Theology and Sacred
Healing. Olivia is the founder of Sacred
Crossings—The Institute for Conscious Dying
and Home Funerals in Los Angeles. For over
12 years, Olivia has guided families in the art
of conscious dying and home-based after
death care. She recently launched the nation’s
first alternative funeral home, owned and
operated by death midwives, offering natural,
sacred alternatives to traditional funeral home
practices. Olivia’s certificate training program,
‘The Art of Death Midwifery’, is now offered to
students worldwide.
WWW.SACREDCROSSINGS.COM
VOLUME II | 83